Summer Movie Rewind: Hot or Not?

1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

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Let me begin by saying that I am always a little skeptical about sequels. However, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 did not disappoint. Let’s just say it was everything I needed and MORE.

This movie had LOADS of kick-butt action, super sweet sci-fi, comedy for days, and a beautiful budding romance between Star-Lord and Gamora (totally ship it). And don’t even get me started on how ADORABLE Baby Groot was. I was literally “awwing” throughout the entire movie.

The storyline. Amazing.

The acting. Fantastic.

The visual effects. Glorious. 

Chris Pratt. STUNNING.

This movie is a must-see, and just like Chris Pratt’s abs, it gets an A+ from me.

 

2. Snatched

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So initially, Snatched gave me mixed feelings. I left the theater simultaneously consumed by both wanderlust and agoraphobia.

Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn play a mother-daughter duo that go on an exotic yet somewhat (and by somewhat I mean extremely) chaotic vacation together.

I know Hollywood has many misgivings about Amy Schumer, but this movie has a number of fantastic comedians including Wanda Sykes and Joan Cusack. Two of my personal favorites; The Mindy Project’s Ike Barinholtz and Fresh Off the Boat star, Randall Park, also had supporting roles. With that being said, the jokes were kind of crude. Not that I don’t like a good crude joke, but these were a bit tired.

I will admit, this movie made me laugh here and there, but overall it wasn’t written well enough for such a renowned cast of comedians. With that being said, Snatched, you’re getting a D+ on this one. Better luck next time.

 

3. Alien: Covenant

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Alien Covenant. Tsk tsk.

You know those kinds of movies where you just want to yell “LOOK OUT” and warn the characters of impending doom? Well, Alien:Covenant definitely delivered that.

Michael Fassbender never ceases to amaze me. The dude can act, let me tell you. Btw Empire’s Jussie Smollett is a supporting character??? WHATTT?!

Anyways, this movie did not lack action in the slightest, okay? It was gory, it was fast paced, it had me on the edge of my seat! Alien: Covenant, I’m giving you a 7/10, my friend.

 

4. Everything Everything

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First and foremost, before we even jump into this review, anyone who knows me knows I LIVE FOR interracial couples. Just wanted to throw that into the air.

Everything Everything is a darling love story between a teenager that is literally forbidden from seeing the outside world that falls for the boy next door.

Knowing the plot of this movie I expected to be in a theater full of women accompanied by men that were being held against their wills. Oh no honey, nuh-uh. My seat neighbor happened to be a sixty-something year-old man that brought his own box of tissues to the movie. Shooketh.

Between Kenneth’s (I decided to name the old man Kenneth) tears, whimpers, and impossibly frequent nose blowing sessions, I did manage to get a few of my own tears in, as well as laughs.

Thanks to Kenneth I found that the movie had more comedic elements than planned. So, Everything Everything, you received a B thanks to your Paraclete, Kenneth. Way to go Ken!

 

5. Baywatch

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I could not wait to see this movie because it included two of my favorite things all wrapped up in one movie: hot guys and their lack of shirts.

Now, as skeptical as I am about sequels, I am even MORE skeptical about remakes. Nonetheless, I thought to myself since Baywatch is a wholesome American classic there is no way they can eff this one up.

They effed it up.

I won’t lie and say I didn’t laugh at all in this movie, but some of the jokes were a tad contrived. Also, less is more when it comes to genitalia jokes. We get it.

How does a movie starring Zac Efron and The Rock, two men that have rightfully earned their spots on my infamous husband list, suck so much? I’m going to have to blame it on Zac, cute as he is, because The Rock can do no wrong in my eyes. I could literally watch The Rock eat a bowl cereal for 2.5 hours and that would be better than this movie.

Without further ado, Baywatch you get an D-, and that’s generous.

 

6. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Pirates-of-the-Caribbean-5-International-Poster

I was never a fan of The Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise up until the day I decided to watch all of them in one shot. Not my smartest move, because I managed to fall asleep through every single one of them.

As I walked into the theater to see Dead Men Tell No Tales, I was determined to keep myself awake and not revert back to my former habits. I am sad to say that this movie was no exception.On the bright side I only fell asleep for like 20 minutes, which is only like 1/16 of the movie.

Let me tell you, Johnny Depp has so many layers; he is literally the onion of the acting world. Literally, wow.

Can we just talk about Brenton Thwaites for a second? He is absolutely delicious. A full course meal is what that boy is.

Let us not forget about Captain *insert lisp here* Salazar. I was genuinely freaked out by him and there is no doubt in my mind that I would pee my pants if he were to ever approach me.

Overall, I thought this movie was well made. That’s an 8.23/10 from me, and congratulations to Brenton Thwaites for making it on my husband list. Proud of you!

 

 

 

 

 

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